Time

As I look ahead into time, an emptiness stares back at me. It puts forth so many questions. Where am I heading? What is my metamorphosis turning me into? Why am I not stagnant or am I? What is it that we are all chasing? Where lay that ultimate destination? How do we get there? Why do we have to go there? Do I have a choice? The answer to the last question I know - No. No, I don't have a choice. I've never had that luxury. May be you've had it but I'm so sure I haven't been the luckiest. What is luck? Is it something that I believe I've never been associated with or is it simply a manifestation of an ever brooding mind? This is perhaps a thought that most people associate themselves with. May be its the perspective of the bearer rather than the rationale of the unbiased. But, I would still like to disagree with myself.

(Luck or the lack of it for some other day)
Time is of the essence, as always, as is of this post. Wonder if I were Hiro Nakamura(of the HEROES fame) and were able to "bend the space-time continuum" to stop and travel time. Where would you like to go? To the happiest hours I suppose? Why would you want to do that! Why spoil those precious memories which serve as the staffs that prop you through your dejection. Why not look ahead into the emptiness and discover the goal, the final destination and the path leading to it. The ultimate destination we all know and is the same for all us mortals. But the path is what will differentiate all of us and our journeys. If that is where we all are headed, it strikes me as to why would I want to step into that vacuum and get lost! Why cann't time stop at some wonder full instant and then lead us straight to the final destination! Sadly, that'll never happen. Why must we go through all the ordeals of the journey to reach a destination as hollow as death itself! What is it that we gain out of this journey? Do we carry the experiences into the "new life", if there is one? Do you care to know? I don't. Then what is this life for? What am I living for? Why do my lungs have to contract and expand so dutifully! Life is such a futility.

We live this moment thinking of living the next and the chain continues. But, time will come when there won't be a next. What then! We lived the previous instant thinking of living the
future in a manner somewhat better than what it was back then. This constant strife for betterment ultimately leads one to the ghastly final destination. In the process what we missed was the present, which got lost in the transition from the "future" to the "past". Time will march on as it has since time immemorial. All that we can do is live the present and in the process snatch a moment from the future into the present and stack it up with the past, while the future lay ahead unseen and unexplored.

Smoke'n

One summer morning as the wavelength of the Sun's light plummeted (for the uninitiated : Energy of a light beam is inversely proportional to its wavelength), I waited under the tree for my friend as he walked up to me with an eagerness so profuse which was only seen again when M S Dhoni walked up to the dais to pick up the T20 World Cup trophy 9 years later. I had been waiting there for the last 15mins or may be more, in fact definitely more, while he had been whispering sweet nothings to the new nightingale in his life. My Casanova of a friend had handed her a long (definitely longer than what this post would amount to) Love Letter (LL) the last time. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the three of us used to go to the same tuition.

Today was The Day, I mean THE DAY - if you haven't already realised the significance of "THE DAY", damn!! fcu|< ya. "the day" when he would either get the NOD or the ROD.
We walked out of the serene shadow of the tree to the generous offerings of white-hot warmth of a yellow Sun God.

He took out a folded piece of paper from his pocket and opened it up with fumbling fingers. We read, I read and then he read it again. I'm pretty sure he would've thought that the Monsoons had for a change shed its water on the Sun cooling it down. My dude had just got the NOD. You realise what "THE NOD" means, I hope. Because, if you don't then I sincerely hope you'll fall in love someday and get "THE ROD" instead, after all its the failures that give meaning to the victories.

Although I don't remember exactly what was written in that letter, but I remember the last sentence - "Please don't disclose this to anyone else." :))
Did someone else just come to know of something he shouldn't have? Well, I don't think so because I ain't "anyone"!! :)

So, now on to the main purpose of this post - my first puff of nicotine wrapped in white paper, fitted with an yellow filter at the end. Sorry for the elaborate description of the thing I just mentioned, I can't recollect the term - its been so many years you see.
We went to my place. My parents had already left for work and we were left to take the next step towards adulthood. Well, he had already done that a few days back with his cousins so it was his turn to pass on the knowledge to me, his confidant. There were certain directions that I was given regarding the procedure of inhalation and the subsequent discharge of unwanted gaseous particles. What followed was an excited sequence of activities - opening of windows, drawing of curtains, switching on fans and grasping a deo spray for the immediate vanquishing of suspicious odour from the room.

Then came the Big Moment, after a small demo from my friend. My hand trembled as I held the lighted torch in between the index and the middle finger of my right hand. With an air of adulthood visibly circling my brow ( or was it the halo that I was about to forgo forever! ) I put the yellow, spongy, unlighted end of the torch - the light that would show me the road to adulthood, between my lips. I followed the standard procedure of inhalation through mouth, stayed for a moment and then dispelled the air out of my system with utmost contempt as of a man who had just stepped out of adolescence. I looked earnestly at my friend as if waiting for his approval. I took another fag, and another and a few more, till the fire had engulfed the entire white portion of the thing. I stood and waited for something to happen, with an eagerness to know what would happen. I asked my friend if I had stood up to his expectations. He gave me the thumbs up. But then, why isn't it happening I wondered, without having the slightest clue of what it was that I was expecting to happen to me. Although I was proud of my latest achievement I didn't get what I was expecting out of it, sadly till today I'm not sure what was I expecting anyway. So much for the step towards adulthood!! By the way, this was an event of celebration for the Nod. :)



PS : Hope the friend and the nightingale doesn't mind the disclosure of something that perhaps wasn't meant to be disclosed to anyone. :)

Casualty of self-depreciation

solitude (n) - The state of being or living alone, solitariness. Later also, absence of life or disturbance.

loneliness (n) - The condition of being alone or solitary; isolation.
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Excerpted from Oxford Talking Dictionary
Copyright © 1998 The Learning Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Do these two words mean the same?
I believe there's a difference between the two which, although subtle, is actually gargantuan. While solitude indicates a state of contentment and future hopefulness, loneliness on the other hand has an undertone of gloom attached to it. Loneliness is undesired at any point in time whereas solitude can be ever so refreshing and welcome at some point in time.

You must be wondering why am I giving English lessons over this space. The thought I want to put across is that although solitude is welcome and refreshing it generally leads to loneliness. It's something that I've encountered in my life and it happens when the line differentiating the two gets somewhat smudged. You might console yourself by calling it solitude when it's not so and thereby be hesitant to shake off the slumber. This leads to discontentment and disillusionment towards life and consequently to indifference towards the people you love. Trust me it's not the state you'd want to be in. Even if you feel you can handle it, think again, because its not only you who gets affected. Your gloomy face can be the reason for someone else's melancholy. I know its not easy to smile at the face of adversity but then life ain't easy, is it!

My solitude had given way to loneliness long before I could realize. The serenity that I used to enjoy suddenly came to haunt me. The din of silence would now echo in me - "me" because I've long lost sense of my senses. The numbness attached with victory bore me. Excitement is a passe. I am lonely.

Wonder - full

I sometimes wonder, if I'll ever miss these days of my life.

I sometimes wonder, if I'll ever get a chance to relive those halycon days.

I sometimes wonder, if I'll ever live the days I've always dreamt about.

I sometimes wonder, if I'll ever stop wondering about
what those days used to be,
what these days could've been,
what the days to come would be !