romancing egocentricism

Do u know me?? I don't think so...do i know myself?? i hope so...have been on many a self-discovery journeys and each tym i've realised i hardly new me...y?? i'm the only person with whom i've spent every second of my life and still i strive to know me...does anyone know me better than me?? naah...not possible, coz i've never been the real me with anybody till now and am yearning to let my self be known to someone...is that u?? may be, may be not?? i don't know either....i've tried to figure out but have scarcely been able to decipher wat lay within my deepest desires...wat do i desire?? have u ever felt the same? or is it only me among the billions who is so utterly confused?? y am i so different from the rest, or is it that i think that i am?? i really do believe i'm not the same as any other who toils the Mother Earth...i am me and i've always been that way - despised everything that others craved, desired everything which no one cared to spare a glance at.

I prefer to spell my name rather than say it, saving the audience from the trouble of figuring it out...my name has over the years been everything that even remotely sounded like it - from the girly soumya to the disgustingly obese sumo to the one rhyming with homo (read s in place of h)...

Always able to mingle in a crowd than standing out of it...i am wat you want me to be...i may not be the real me the next time u talk to me but that doesn't imply that i'm cheating on you, i'm being a bit defensive here but i guess i have the right to defend myself in this space...its only a characteristic that i possess - adaptation to the environment...may be i do this so that i don't get spotted as a blob amidst the vastness of the multitude...but that doesn't mean i don't like being attended to...certainly not...my idea of attention is being spotted by the one i want to be noticed by else its not of much good to me....i am how i feel at that moment, never bothered abt wat others have to say...prolly my sense of individuality is a bit too intense to be passed as individuality and hence that comes across as arrogance...but i'm hardly so, though i won't care to correct u if u don't matter to me...u r entitled to ur opinion - my sense of democracy.
i know wats gud and and bad so, never bother to advise me on that front - won't give a damn...wat i consider as correct need not be so in absolute terms but it is for me to decide and that way i never brood over my past mistakes bcoz i don't have anyone else to blame for it other than me, which is perfectly fine with me as long as i realise that my level of maturity at the time i took the decision wasn't competent enough...this to me is a learning experience - some one had said - you learn from your mistakes and not from your achievements....but wat if i claim to differ...wat i've learnt from my better times is wat i can do and from the not too good ones is wat i cann't...and both of which are equally important so as to have a decent estimate of oneself...
The complications in the complexities of who i am has perplexed all...has is it done the same to u as well??
but, i wud love to be understood and be loved the way i am...are u ready to try and understand me and love me???